Mirror mirror on the wall…Who am I now? 

(Article written for SelfishMother.com)

Who am I?

What is my identity now I am a mum?

This was something I had never heard any one talk about, let alone the possibility of it being an actual issue for me. Like a whole menagerie of things that aren’t mentioned about pregnancy and having children, my identity after having my first baby was a problem. Probably only a problem to me, but a problem none the less, and one that I wasn’t expecting to have. In fact, it was a thing I hadn’t even contemplated.

You seem to be defined by your baby from the minute you’re pregnant. All people start talking to you about is pregnancy, the bump and then the baby, which is a massive adjustment in itself.  I, like most first-time pregnant women, had been so caught up in the practicalities of making sure we were ready for our new arrival, we moved house, bought all the stuff, cots, prams, clothes, bottles that I hadn’t stopped to think about me at all.

Suddenly a little while after our beautiful eldest son was born, I realised that the issue of my post baby identity was massive for me. Not only had my body changed but I was worried that maybe the essence of me had changed as well?  I was scared and felt a lot of panic about who I was now. I wasn’t working, I wasn’t going out to the same places, with the same people doing the same things. I was in a different world, one that I knew LITERALLY nothing about. The first nappy I remember changing in my entire life was my son’s. I hadn’t heard of CBeebies or Baby Einstein and I thought breast feeding would be relatively simple for me, it’s what mother nature intended and all that - WRONG!

Work and my personal freedom before children, had defined me. Swanning around doing what I wanted when I wanted, nipping out with friends after work for a bite to eat, getting my hair done, saying immediately yes to the work projects that had me flying around the world and having a brilliant time.

That freedom was literally gone overnight. I don’t know if anything can prepare you for that. To say it has been my biggest learning curve and continued voyage of self-discovery is a huge understatement.

This new bundle of baby seemed to have immediately changed me. I remember feeling weird about what clothes I wore, it seemed to have put a strange skew on my fashion sense and clothes choices. Do mums dress like this? Can mums wear this? Can I wear this? I felt clueless.

It took me a good probably 12 months, maybe longer, to feel like I could still be me and finding out what that new version of me did with her day now. Working out it was still me but a new version I guess, was one of the hardest parts about becoming a mum for me.

What I’ve learned

Ladies I can tell you this. In life, there are times when you have to hide your emotions. Keep quiet and bite your tongue, hide your real thoughts to be professional at work and you have many different sides to who you are. The overwhelming thing I remember after having my first baby is wow, there is no hiding the real me anymore. You are so preoccupied with this small treasure that there is no time or energy to be anything other than who you are, the good and the bad in all its glory. You are 100% you. 

The weird thing is, after all that’s said and done, I am a mother but I am also the same woman as before children just on a different path and I am probably more me now than ever before.

So please don’t give yourself a hard time. I wish someone had said to me its ok to mourn your old life and that this new life with your wonderful addition certainly isn’t going to be the same, but It will be the most amazing love filled journey you’ve been on yet. It will also be the hardest journey, but as the famous saying goes, ‘Nothing worth having comes easy’

Enjoy your babies and your children. It’s a new, exciting, crazy chapter and one to be celebrated. Revel in the new fabulous, woman mummy you.

Kindness starts at home

After a week like we have just had I couldn’t let it go without writing down some words.

I don’t scare easily, but this week I have had moments of genuine worry, not for myself, but for the future of my two amazing little boys. What world are we creating for them? They are laughing and playing happily in the background as I type this, oblivious to the worlds greater issues, which is exactly how it should be for a child and that for now, I am grateful for. However, they also currently have no choice in the world that we are creating for them and yet they are the ones that must live in it, which hardly seems fair at all.

I’ve heard lots of people this week say they feel powerless and ‘What can we actually do anyway that will make a difference?’

I must admit, these last few days I’ve also felt pretty small and insignificant as far as changing the world and its politics goes. I am not religious, but, I do wholeheartedly believe in positivity, love and kindness and that the energy you give out you get back in return. I believe that this without doubt starts at home, not just inside our four walls, but in our immediate community as well. Whether you are a role model for a child or not, if we can be kinder, more compassionate and give buckets of love to our closest people, our family, our friends, our acquaintances in good times and in bad this has to be a good start and where we can absolutely make a difference.

If we can stop for a minute, make the effort to have that chat with the lonely looking person in the Supermarket queue, forgive and forget that silly argument you had with your partner a little more quickly, be the one to wave the white flag even if you have to grit your teeth while doing it. The tiniest kindness can make such a difference. Love and positivity breeds love and positivity. This is something we can all do. This is the something that will make a difference and something I’m planning to get better at.

So, on the night of the most super of Super Moons, love each other a bit more than usual, start tomorrow with kindness as your intention. Make those small changes. Small adds up. If everyone did that I can’t help but think we’d be half way there in creating a much better world for all of us.

Women are Warriors and I love them.

We are all life Warriors, fighting our own battles, maybe big, maybe small, maybe joyous maybe painful, but all important to us as individuals and making an impact on our lives.

Today however, I am dedicating Warrior-hood to all the amazing women I know and the lessons I learn from them. I meet many different women, from different backgrounds, with different daily struggles large and small and I tell you what, women astound and surprise me every single day.  Women have an incredible inner strength, tenacity and resilience and the older I get the more I see this and am in awe of it.

I lost my mum when I was thirty years old, and since then I have looked at women, young and old for various life lessons. I have a new-found respect and appreciation for them, their relationships together and what they teach each other, something I don't think I would have in the same way had she still been alive.

Girlfriends, the really good friends, the ones that turn up on your doorstep with bags of food shopping and wine when the going gets tough, when the kids are sick, your other half is unavailable, you're exhausted and you've lost the will to live - these are the women that get you through life's dark days and out the other side. We are very good at recognising when another may need a chat, a coffee, or someone to offer a hand to make their day just that little bit easier. Women pick each other up, they support each other and give each other encouragement. That in itself, is priceless.

Mothers, you are Warriors at their finest. You battle daily for the good of the precious small people in your life, constantly sacrificing your own needs and wants to give them the best that you can give. Fighting to nourish, protect and educate the babies that have created in you the greatest love you’ve ever known. 

From the old lady that chatted to me in passing at the cafe the other day and told me about the grandson she was so proud of and was helping to fund his next college course, to the women I saw at the station the other evening putting her make-up on in her car whilst waiting to collect her teenage daughter. You all inspire me.

I guess I just wanted to put it down into words and say, alone and together we accomplish incredible things. Women of the world, I get you. You are the greatest life warriors and I am exceptionally proud and privileged to be on your team. Thanks for teaching and inspiring me. You are amazing and I salute you.